


The Fire That You Started In Me

by kxdlola120



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Coming Out, Crossdressing, Fluff and Angst, Heavy Themes, M/M, Slice of Life
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-08-03
Updated: 2018-08-03
Packaged: 2019-06-20 23:36:09
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,492
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15544716
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/kxdlola120/pseuds/kxdlola120
Summary: A story about that pestering feeling at the back of your head,that screams how you're not being honest with yourself.





	The Fire That You Started In Me

It started with an itch. 

Somewhere in the back of his mind, like a pestering voice that just couldn't shut up, no matter how many times he's been trying to shush it. It was like that tiny gasp when you walked at night alone, trying not to think about anyone following you, even though you knew you're alone in the calm streets. 

When Kyungsoo thought nothing of it, the voice died down. 

He was sixteen when he started noticing both boys and girls. How much alike their bodies were, but just what differences the physiques could have. 

First, it were girls on his mind, of course. It was taught that boys like girls and girls like boys. Like math and equations, with well-thought and set formulas, it was natural to follow the example of his parents, grandparents, people on the street, couples on TV. 

He kissed the first girl when he was still in middle school, feeling butterflies and fireworks and everything in between. The girl wasn't his first girlfriend as it later panned out, but he was still glad for her, because she had put things in different perspective for him. 

Following the steps, Kyungsoo started lusting over feminine bodies, voluptuous behinds and chest, quickly finding himself in a relationship after relationship. 

It was easy - he was good looking, with pretty lips and doe eyes that girls found irresistible. Of course, with first loves, came first heartbreaks and getting back up, pathing what was left of his heart. 

There were endless nights where he doubted himself when it came to being able to love and most importantly, being able to be loved, but everything was on loop when the next interest came across. 

Kyungsoo fell in love, fell out of love, dragged his body to different parties where alcohol lead to one-night stands with different faces, different flimsy skirts and crop-tops, until he went on a break. 

He was in his early twenties when the change happened. 

Rather than a change, an eye-opener happened over night. 

His mind was always fascinated with different shapes, sizes, shades and faces that matched all those mentioned bodies. It was normal to look after a girl, following her steps as she moved, or a boy, and all the positive things that he could find on either. 

Girls' breasts pulled their shirts tight, while boys' legs gave him a run for his money when he gazed longer at the taunt muscles and shallow dips. 

It was normal to admire something if it was in favor of admiring, but something changed when instead of feeling jealous of someone's cheekbones and thin wrists, Kyungsoo found himself wanting more to kiss the birthmarks hidden on the shoulder blade, or drag his lips along the thick thighs where the summer shorts were draped over a leg. 

A male's leg. 

He always thought it was natural to watch boys' bodies too, when it was soft-looking, inviting to his eyes upon being revealed, or taunt and musclar, tense when it was worked out. 

But soon, Kyungsoo realized that his interest for girls was almost overthrown by finding different body parts of males even more interesting. 

Like one could, for him started out with porn. 

Ever since pubescent years, he'd discovered how to indulge in his fantasies alone, finding out more and more about himself when his cock strained against his jeans on particular scenes and sounds. 

He knew what turned him on, what drove him to the wall and eventually, what made him cum. 

But in those years of being a nasty viewer of modern art, he failed to realize how he always paid more attention to the male actors and their bodies, rather than actresses playing opposite while choosing his movie for the night. 

He was still falling in love with girls, having those same fantasies acted upon when they would fall to the sheets, but he was still careful with his picks when it came to the porn movies. 

When their arms were veiny, almost thick when they flipped their colleagues in the scenes, Kyungsoo ached beneath his boxers. Pretty, pink, plump lips being coated with nothing but the spit, while straight teeth pulled and mulled over, spilling profanities while fucking; would make him see stars as he focused more on their faces, rather than their crotches. 

And a male towering above a female lead, grabbing her hair and pulling, all the while having this strong and dominating aura around him - made him cum twice as harder, and twice as faster. 

Quite literally—but still not there—Kyungsoo was fucked. 

It didn't help his case that his best friend was this runaway from ancient sculptures, molded from the finest marble. 

They were born just two days apart, and even though they've been living in the same town from birth, Kyungsoo'd met Jongin in their final years of high school. 

Jongin didn't have a problem with expressing himself, either with his different hair colors each month, or loud mouth when something or someone wasn't getting his way. 

He hated hypocrisy and injustice, loved puppies and cheesy romantic movies, and Kyungsoo admired him more and more as they got to know each other better. 

Jongin didn't care if his parents couldn't agree with him on the ways he lived his life, and he didn't care that their whole college talked about his tendencies. He was loud, out-going and cute. Adorably cute. 

And he was also openly gay. 

With a few boyfriends under his wings, Jongin was out and open about it, not even blushing anymore when someone called him up on it. 

Kyungsoo loved to see those scenes where someone from their college stepped out, thinking how they were the only one being brazen with a smart-mouth, thinking anything spitted out on Jongin could deter his days.

Insults, open, teasing invites to the dirtiest scenes Kyungsoo couldn't even find in his precious porn, even some punches being thrown, couldn't stop Jongin from smiling. Always smiling. 

… While cursing them in their faces, but he was always smiling.

'I'm enjoying life, Soo', Jongin would also repeat, and Kyungsoo couldn't help but follow his lead. 

There were days when people left him alone, going their own way, not minding how Jongin came to his first class in pink shades and white feather boa around his neck. 

When Jongin deemed it was enough of provoking, he pulled the boa off his shoulders and draped it around Kyungsoo's neck instead, repeating how chic it made him look. Needless to say, Kyungsoo rocked the piece until they parted ways in the evening. 

Bottom line was - Jongin didn't care. And Kyungsoo cared too much. 

Apart from Jongin, he still had friends around college, with a handful of friends from his old high school. There was his roommate - Minseok, his colleagues from the local newspaper he's been the editor at - Chanyeol and Jongdae, and some of his best friends from his childhood - Baekhyun and Sehun. 

He wasn't still living with his parents, ever since his father had a conversation with him about being a responsible adult that needed his own place if he planned to start a college. 

And they all depended on him somehow. 

His roommate was always late on their rent, since he needed to send his hard-earned money home, catering to his single mother - and Kyungsoo couldn't really blame him for being a considerate son. His colleagues couldn't finish the papers without his approval; and his childhood friends still saw him as the only serious one in their little group of friends - the designated driver and a cover whenever either of them had to get away for a minute or two.  

And he never even said anything back to his parents, yet alone got up from the deepness that was deemed normal. For them, it was enough that he was swimming in the sea of 'normal' with his head hung low—'what others consider normal is rather overrated, don't you think', Jongin would say—rather than swimming with his head upheld high, in some peachy swimming trunks and fruity drinks, like Jongin was.

Jongin was the only one with free spirit, with whom the friendship blossomed just because; when Jongin was persistent about them two being in the same study group back in high school, bursting through Kyungsoo's doors for some extra work when he deemed it was necessary.

And Kyungsoo admired him for what he was. For he was still on his parents, friends, colleagues' sides, knowing that he couldn't even be brazen like that, courageous enough to pull out of the water and except himself truly. 

That he was attracted to boys too, and despite all, Kyungsoo still piqued it as a phase in his life; like that time when he was only interested in blondes.  

 

 

 

 

Friday night found him in the local club, too sober to indulge in his friends' antics, and yet not bored enough to leave. He was alone at the bar, calling the bartender for another refill. 

The beer was pretty cheap, the bartender was also pretty, and the club was packed. Talking about sweaty bodies grinding against each other, as the DJ hasen't spent songs with nasty beat drops to play yet. 

All in all, Kyungsoo downed the half of his stein, before locking eyes with Baekhyun somewhere on the dance floor. The elder had a shorter girl hanging from his arms, twirling her around when some new reggaetón hit song came through the large speakers being tucked everywhere he could see. 

When Baekhyun smirked as the girl pulled upwards to stand face to face, Kyungsoo turned his eyes off the dance floor. What waited him at the other side was enough. 

   "Jongin.. You came.."

The said smiled, widely so, opening his pink mouth to grin even, white teeth peering out. He was dressed in a club wear—not that different than the rest of his clothes, all flashy and edgy—and each step he took coming closer to Kyungsoo, left the shorter out of breath. 

   "Have I ever missed a party?" Jongin smirked, pushing the hair out of his eyes, as he leaned down on the bar instead, overlooking the packed place. Kyungsoo could barely hear him over the loud music, but he still knew what the predatory look in his deep brown eyes meant. 

   "So, who's the next victim on Kim Jongin's list?" Trying—and failing—to be indifferent, Kyungsoo asked, leaning back also. Another beer was in his hands as the pretty bartended handed him with a wink, and Kyungsoo tried not to think about Jongin's words.

But as many times before, the younger surprised him once again. 

   "You!"

Kyungsoo blanched. 

   "Come on, Soo. Dance with me.."

Jongin with his blond hair, the strands dripping half-wet from his forehead in a messy fringe, with golden shadow lining his lids, and dark peach gloss on those perfect lips. Jongin with his mile long legs, tucked in inexplicably short shorts, glistening under the artificial blaring lights of the club, presumably coated in some body lotion or worse. 

And finally, Jongin with his honest, deep eyes, as he waited for Kyungsoo to take his hand. 

   ".. Me?" It was embarrassing how much he actually squealed, but Jongin didn't mind. 

Instead, he pulled him off the bar, taking the drink back to the countertop, before dragging them through throng of people losing themselves to the music. 

When his back met with Jongin's front, Kyungsoo breath hitched. 

   "Relax, Soo.. I'm not gonna eat you." 

Well, when he put it like that..

The song soon switched to some deeper rhythm, like slow burn in the bottom of his belly, as Jongin pressed from behind, holding him close. If he wasn't so exhaustedly confused before, he was on a verge of throwing it all away and running off. 

There were lips pressed in a slight pout at his neck, like whispering without a trace and Kyungsoo closed his eyes. 

Nothing else mattered, right now, in this moment, when Jongin grinded to the music, being glued to his backside. Kyungsoo was weirdly aroused, but with enough mind to look around if they're being watched. 

When it was all in his head, Kyungsoo let go. 

He was the one to pull back and twist in Jongin's hold, surprising him when his hands found purpose on the taller's nape. Jongin held him again, stopping when Kyungsoo found a change in his tone. 

Even with the blaring music, he still heard it. Still watched as Jongin's lips moved. 

… Almost against his own.

   "Soo.."

Kyungsoo couldn't look him in the eyes. There was a twirl of emotions crashing at his frame, making it hard for him to breathe. Every desire, fear, want, love, hate, passion, disgust, anticipation and finally trust mixed all together, bubbling from the inside, ready to drown him even it was needed.

Jongin pulled him close, shifting so he could hold his back instead, as Kyungsoo felt a huff—like a silent plea for something. 

But instead of being selfish, he was wasteful. 

Jongin looked up when Kyungsoo pushed enough to look between both of his eyes, finding a trust where it absolutely shouldn't have been. Jongin was ready; he was waiting for him to take it, and offer first. Jongin was ready for whatever Kyungsoo wanted; was ready to fight and finally win in this little game. 

But Kyungsoo pulled away.

   "It's getting late," Without turning around—he couldn't see the disappointment in the most beautiful eyes he's even seen—Kyungsoo walked out. 

Even the fresh air outside the club couldn't settle the fire that started in him. 

 

 

 

 

   "Hey, up for a round?" 

Kyungsoo looked up from the latest photographs their photograph, Junmyeon brought in. His section in the papers changed each month, as seasons changed as well. Two months ago, Junmyeon was busy photographing solemn state of the streets where the snow has melted, capturing their city perfectly. The way his work was still one of the best Kyungsoo's ever seen was because Junmyeon created the scene even without inviting you to visit. 

Looking back at their newspaper, he could honestly say Junmyeon's section was still one of his favorite. If not the most favorite part of his work. 

So when Junmyeon'd announced a new season coming up through his lens, Kyungsoo beamed. 

Jongdae was in the middle of throwing the ball in their little basketball nailed to the wall, challenging Chanyeol previously for a match. He was a one-time winner kind of guy, and when everybody in the redaction beat him, he wanted revanche.

Kyungsoo smiled at his persistence, but still turned it down. 

Because he's been looking through Junmyeon's new set of photos for their next issue, getting lost in people this time. He wasn't the type to set himself goals when it came to his passion. He was just there; existing with the rest of the notion, coming up with different angles and expositions right there on spot. 

Just in time for Kyungsoo to go through the pile of previously made photos, which were a pile to go through for a couple of best ones that could find a spot in the next issue; Junmyeon showed up. That was the worst part of his job.

   "So, boss, what do you think?"

Kyungsoo looked up to find their photograph smiling from ear to ear. He was happy for his new collection, and whether two, three or none of the photos made their place in the next issue, Junmyeon still appreciated the opportunity. 

Instead, Kyungsoo stopped to ask. "What was the motivation for this time around?"

Junmyeon leaned on the table where his photos were sprawled out, thinking which one to pull out. When he spotted a pink-dotted one with a lonely girl sitting at the front steps of their college building, he pulled it out and without looking, explained the story.

   "She seemed happy. Not like ecstatic happy, which needs to have a cause, but like real happy. Honest happy." He took a better look at the girl's soft features, explaining the pink dots. "This was something that I wanted to try, and when I saw her at the stairs..."

Kyungsoo watched as Junmyeon fell in love with the photo in his hand, like honestly falling for the emotion little card held. 

   "So sprinkled pink dye?"

   "It's not just that, boss!" Junmyeon snickered, pushing the photo back on the more collected pile in the corner of Kyungsoo's table. "She might've had some problem that day. Maybe she failed her exam or broke off with her lover. But you couldn't tell. Because she seemed content to just sit there and soak up everything around her. The day was pretty, the sun was shining and she was just happy."

   "You try to sound too deep." Kyungsoo dismissed it with a half-laugh, pulling another photo randomly. "What about this one?"

   "Oh, that might've been my favorite." Junmyeon grinned again, twisting the photo to the side until Kyungsoo saw the way the light shined through the card. 

   "Do you see this? It's a transition between orange and blue. Like the sun settling between the thick clouds, finding its place."

   "It's just a treetop, though.." 

Junmyeon sat down across from him, staring at him for a second too long. "Are you a treetop?"

Kyungsoo made a face. "How could I be a treetop?"

   "Are you the girl on the steps then?"

On that, he had to scoff. "Of course not, you can see that."

   "Then what are you?"

   "What do you mean?"

Junmyeon pulled another photo from the pile, hiding it from their editor. By now, Kyungsoo has seen all of the new addition to Junmyeon's ever growing family, so there was no point in hiding it from him. Still, Junmyeon did. 

   "Can you guess what's captured in this one?" He waved the small part of the made film and grinned again. Then without looking at it, he started explaining. 

   "It's not a hard one to guess, but it is a random one. Like once in a lifetime opportunity."

Kyungsoo started collecting the cards from his table, rearranging their edges so each lay on top of the other. He needed to busy his hands with something. 

   "Did you catch some kind of monster on it? Maybe a falling star?"

   "Somebody falling yes. Not a monster though."

Kyungsoo stopped what he was doing, trying to see through the back of the photo. He could make shapes and colors—black and pink—but nothing else but that. 

   "I give up." Eventually, he huffed out. "I don't know what it is, but if it's your favorite, we can use it for the next issue. All of these are once again perfect."

   "Oh, come on, Kyungsoo. I'll give you another chance." Junmyeon leaned on the table in front, challenging. "If you don't want it, then I can maybe explain it?"

Kyungsoo nodded. 

   "Or I can just show it you? It would be a nice addition to the collection, but I think you'd want this one just for you to keep."

This was weird. Sure, Junmyeon's photos were breathtaking, chasing the desire to pick one and carry it with you wherever you went. Kyungsoo's had those tendencies, especially with his autumn collection, where the colors complemented each other in an organized mess tumbled on single cards.

But he never did. 

   "Okay, explain it to me."

   "This one.. this one is special." Junmyeon continued. "It shows desire, want and.. maybe fear? Like being drowned but still not trying to breathe and give yourself a break... Like not being yourself."

Kyungsoo stopped to think what the picture might've hold. 

   "Just parallels behaving like they normally do, but not allowing each other to meet. Not yet, at least."

   "You're making things up by now." Kyungsoo stood up to walk away, since the picture in question might've been that little bench tucked in the corner between two buildings again, which Junmyeon had a fascination with apparently. 

   "Do you wanna see it and be the judge of it?"

Kyungsoo nodded and got a face full of black and pink, until he snatched the photo away, lowering it down so he could see it properly. 

   ".. How.. did you...?"

He looked up just in time to see Junmyeon taking the neat pile of his photos for this issue off the table, smiling gummily. 

   "I shall let you have that one for your personal collection. It's time to grow."

Kyungsoo looked at his hands again, finding a smiling face of his very own best friend, laughing over something that someone of their friends said during their lunch, and slowly swallowing when he found himself in the photo as well.

But he wasn't laughing like Jongin was, and instead he wasn't focused on their group of friends. Like having a better view, Kyungsoo decided to stare at Jongin instead, breathing out when he realized which exactly moment had Junmyeon captured.

He felt sick to the core when he looked up through haze before his eyes, staying still when Junmyeon was gone, and Jongdae stopped playing the little basketball in the corner. 

Jongin was laughing in the photo on some stupid joke that either Jongdae or Yifan had told, and Kyungsoo was smiling at him. Because in that same moment, when he could only see Jongin, he felt breathless to be a part of that moment, of that moment when he dared to wish. 

 

 

 

 

   "Are you sure you don't wanna see it?"

Kyungsoo paused the game rolling on the TV, turning around just in time to watch Jongin pouncing through the door of his bathroom. 

   "Yeah, I don't. But I'm sure it's pretty." Kyungsoo yelled after him, returning to his paused game and rather focused on two buff men fighting 'till death, than his best friend changing in his bathroom. 

After ten minutes—and almost half a fight after—there was rustling on the side, before Kyungsoo could see through his peripheral vision Jongin exiting through the door and walking in to sit beside him on the bed once again.

   "Ah, it's too short, but I kinda like it."

Kyungsoo only hummed, not wanting to tear his eyes off the screen and die. Or something worse. Like splutter out a confession hanging in threads off his tongue. 

   "I'm sure it's fine."

   "Soo, look at me."

He could hear Jongin huffing out, before he pulled at his arm. 

   "I can't. I'm about to die." Both in the game and quite literally.

Jongin huffed out again, standing up from the bed and walking out. Kyungsoo feared he was finally done with his sorry ass, figuring out this would be the night where he's lost both his best friend and his number one score in the game still rolling. 

But after a moment or two, Jongin came back to the room, smelling like roses, or peaches? Kyungsoo could never tell with him. 

   "Is that a woman's perfume?"

Jongin sat down once again. "It smells nice, right?"

   "You smell like my mom." Kyungsoo snickered, finally getting knocked down on the screen, as he was now forced to look to the side where his best friend sat. 

… And he wished he didn't.

   "Jongin… I—"

   "It's nice, right?" Jongin stood up to twirl around, giggling when the skirt rose up with his movements, twirling in circle too. When he stopped to gauge Kyungsoo's reaction, he suddenly turned self-conscious. 

   "What do you say?" He bit his lips, and luckily Kyungsoo haven't missed it. "Is it nice?"

Jongin crossed the space between them, crossing the line as well, when he slowly but surely sat down on Kyungsoo's lap, wielding each leg on either side of his best friend. 

   "It's in my favorite color too."

His arms were around Kyungsoo's neck next, perfect teeth mulling over his pink lips and without thinking, Kyungsoo held him in place, looking between his legs being outstretched and his glazed-over eyes, holding him down. 

   "You're pretty." Jongin smiled at that. But Kyungsoo needed to add, needed him to understand it. "You're always pretty, Jongin.."

   "You have to say that."

   "I do.. I have to say it, because you're so damn gorgeous."

Like a literal dam has been broken, Jongin exhaled right at his lips, closing the rest of the distance between them, cutting Kyungsoo's next words.

There was nothing comparing to this, having Jongin melting on his lap, pulling him close by his nape hair, kissing the light out of him. 

When Kyungsoo licked into his mouth, Jongin released a tight gasp, inhaling before getting back. He was pink lashes, lavender lips and caramel skin, teasing with each suck around his tongue, as Kyungsoo finally breathed the fresh air that was sugarcoated on Jongin's lips. 

He could feel his muscle rippling underneath his burning fingertips, as Jongin backed away to take a huge gulp of air, coming back in to leave him dead. This was something that was on Kyungsoo's mind for as long as he could remember, and not even his wildest fantasies could compare to it. 

When Jongin tugged at his head backwards, slipping his moist lips down to mouth at his throat, Kyungsoo sluggishly swallowed, keeping his eyes closed. 

It wasn't a relief that washed over him, rather he was being drowned in the fire that consumed him, making it hard to breathe, but at the same time making him gasp for a sweet release from his usual discipline. 

By then, Jongin's lips were back on his own, as Kyungsoo dared to take a dive and pull him to his chest, sneaking both hands under the younger's tight sweater in the color of his eyes, feeling the soft skin under his harsh fingertips. 

Pretty, just like him. 

   "Soo.." Jongin gasped when Kyungsoo left a voiceless confession at his ear, moving to taste more of him, wanting to swallow each part of Jongin's sweet taste. 

   "Soo...!"

   "Jongin?" Kyungsoo backed away when he was being pushed, ignoring how much Jongin's heart thumped in his chest too. He was breathless, panting for air, panting for more of Jongin, as he was just being given a piece, wanting it whole.

When his best friend looked on a verge, either to kiss him again, or let him go, Kyungsoo feared the worst. 

   "Jongin, I'm scared." So he confessed.

   "Of what?" Jongin's answer was right out, like knowing what went through Kyungsoo's mind. 

   "Of..." But Kyungsoo didn't know. 

   "Of.. your friends and family? And what they could think of you?"

Kyungsoo shook his head. 

No. Because he was afraid of himself and finally coming true with who he really was. This was all surprising; like a steamroller, coming down on him, taking him away all stumbled and crushed. 

   "Well?" Jongin asked, raising his perfectly trimmed eyebrows. 

Kyungsoo shrugged. All that he knew was just how badly he wanted to kiss Jongin again. Like, really fucking badly. 

Jongin took a moment to lick at the bottom lip that was swollen from the kiss, and looked through his lashes. They were really long. And always coated in some colorful mascara. 

   "Do you want to kiss me again?"

Never in his life did Kyungsoo nod faster.

   "Do you want to hold my hand? Kiss me in front of everybody? Show me off?"

Kyungsoo nodded, but Jongin wasn't convinced.

   "That's not what love is about, Kyungsoo.." Jongin started moving off his lap, and with fear still drowning him, Kyungsoo didn't stop him. 

   "I don't want somebody who wants me for me. I wants someone who wants me because we're right for each other. Because they want themselves first."

The pressure in his ears was starting to be too loud, coming through his system to press into his chest, making it hard to breathe too. 

   "Kyungsoo—" Jongin bent down to his level, taking his warm cheeks in even warmer palms. He was once again stunning, like being stunning in everything he did, but mostly now, when he whispered only for him to hear. "I love you! … but you don't love yourself."

The first tear slipped down just as Jongin walked out through the door. 

 

 

 

 

   "So, a girl dumped you?"

It was again a Friday night. To be precise, two weeks after that club scene and even a week after Jongin in his room. 

Kyungsoo was being bugged night and day by his friends to come out at least for a quick bite at their local diner. Since he's turned down going to the club once again, and even avoided some house party back at Sehun's place, Baekhyun was on his back first, being followed by Sehun, before he agreed to come out. 

But when they saw the state he was currently in, like being in a loop of bad romantic movies and junk food, they were full of questions. 

   "Did I have a girlfriend in the first place?" Kyungsoo avoided the French fry being pushed to his face by a persistent Baekhyun and continued pushing the food on his own tray. 

Baekhyun and Sehun shared a look. 

   "We couldn't know even if you did..."

   "The last time you went out with us and actually talked about what's going on was almost two months ago."

He looked up when both had said it, kind of agreeing with both. 

When he still kept quiet—and I told you I'm a boring company, Baek—the silence at their table couldn't be put out. 

At least Baekhyun tried. "Kyung, what's happening?"

Kyungsoo looked up, but shook his head next. "Nothing, I'm just not hungry."

   "For fuck's sake, we're not talking about this." Sehun pushed his tray out of his reach, munching on his food instead. 

After a moment of silence, Kyungsoo still couldn't talk. 

   "Guys, it's just..." But no good excuse came to mind. And how could it? When everything he's been thinking was Jongin. 

   "Kyungsoo," When Baekhyun pushed his own food away, Kyungsoo knew he was being serious. "You know you could talk to us about anything, right?"

He was being honest. They've been friends ever since their mothers wanted their sons to be best friends too, and Kyungsoo trusted them with his life. But this was a big bite to swallow. 

   "I do.." He nodded. But then again... "But what if I have... what if I'm... if I—"

   "Chill, Soo.." He looked up when Sehun cracked a smile, finding this situation pointless. Because it was. He could honestly kill somebody and call both Baekhyun and Sehun to clean it up. They were that good of friends. 

So why was Kyungsoo doubting them in the first place?

   "Okay.." He huffed out, being ready at least to crack the vault open. After all, he owed himself that much. 

   "I've been thinking.. for a very long time, and I might've.. changed over time?"

   "How so?" 

Kyungsoo looked between both of them, feeling the thump of his heart in both of his ears. It was almost suffocating. 

   "Sexually?"

   "If you don't have like two dicks or something, then there's nothing wrong with you, man.." Sehun snickered on Baekhyun's comment, stuffing a fry into his mouth to keep him quiet. 

   "Not like that, but like... being attracted to—"

But yet again, he failed to say it. This would be the first time to say it out loud, to himself even, not just out for someone else to hear, and he still wasn't ready. 

The fear and constant buzz to keep quiet, to lay low and gulp the feeling of being outcast was overpowering. He was slowly starting to lose a battle against himself. This wasn't about Jongin, or his parents, or Baekhyun and Sehun. Hell, even about his school, or work or local lady that sold flowers down the road from his apartment. 

This was about him. 

Kyungsoo stopped to watch both of their faces, still not seeing disgust on either, and cracked a smile. 

This was about who he was, about his own life and feelings, about his own acceptance. He was no longer a small boy that depended on his parents, or a lazy student that feared not getting into college. 

His favorite color was blue, he almost always wore black and he couldn't stand suits and dress shoes. Because that was a part of him, and he didn't need to excuse himself with each part of his life, with each part of his personality, apologize for not liking traveling, or thank anyone for extra hours of sleep, because this was his life. 

He was in charge.

And he was the one trying to hate himself for something that was a part of him. Of his being, of his emotions. 

It didn't matter who he loved, because when he loved, he loved it 'till the core. It didn't matter who he took to bed, because it was his bed, between four walls and one tall window that overlooked the horizon of his favorite city in the world. 

He was in his early twenties, juggling work and college the best he could do, trying his best to learn how to drive, called his mother each week to say that he missed them, and he was attracted to males too. 

Just a small part of him, that has created such big problems. 

When Kyungsoo started laughing out loud, he stopped to ignore Baekhyun's comment about being 'really weird, maybe he needs out help after all, Sehun' and looked at both of them.

   "You accept my weird hobby of collecting anime figurines and you even listen to my rambling about each movie I see and like.."

   "Well, duh.. We're your friends." Baekhyun shrugged, and Kyungsoo wanted to kiss them both. 

When he reached for their hands across the table, Sehun gave him a pointed look. "Are you... drunk?"

   "I'm gonna confess you something, but first I need to confess something else to someone else."

He left the restaurant in a hurry, throwing the money on the table where both Sehun and Baekhyun were left confused, and grabbed the cab to Jongin's place. 

The door was locked when he tried getting in after countless knocking and just as he lost all of hope of finding him today, his phone ringed. 

   "Jongin?"

   "No, Kyung, it's Jongdae. You still haven't approved that article I was talking to you about.."

   "The one about different sexualities?"

   "Well, yeah.. I don't know if you support it or not, but it would be a big deal for me if something like that gets printed, since you know I'm gay and all—"

Kyungsoo stopped at the stairs outside of Jongin's building, breathing out. "You're gay? How come you haven't ever told me?"

Jongdae snickered from the other side. "Hyung, you've never asked."

Kyungsoo laughed out loud on that, thanking Jongdae before screaming ecstatic to put his text on the front page too.

 

 

 

When he'd gotten to their college, he was out of breath. There were million things running through his mind, but one thing was sure - he needed to find Jongin and kiss him senseless. 

He dropped by his art club, finding no one there, before swinging by to his usual place of hanging out. Once again, he was left empty-handed. 

   "Hyung."

Kyungsoo turned in his step when he heard a familiar voice, turning around to find a jogging Chanyeol coming to his side. "Hey, I've just heard about that article of Jongdae being published and I think it would mean a lot to our college to read it."

   "How so?"

   "Well," Chanyeol's eyebrows shot up. "There are a lot of students who are a part of LGBTQ+ community, and to be actually represented in local papers must be a big step to acceptance."

Kyungsoo had to smile, for the happiness was contagious. "You really think so?"

   "Of course!" Chanyeol beamed. "We're all people, after all. And love is love." Then like remembering something, Chanyeol sighed out. "I think it's beautiful either way."

   "Yeol, thank you! You're awesome!"

Kyungsoo turned to run to the other side of where he came from, hearing a laughing Chanyeol behind his back, before thinking of the last place where Jongin could be. 

He was out of breath when he knocked the door to the roof opened, stopping to raid the open space for someone special. When he got his breathing to regular somewhat, he looked to the side, only to find a hunched figure of Jongin, looking over the railings.

Kyungsoo had to smile.

   "Jongin!"

   "Kyungsoo?" He turned around, being barren from his usual makeup, in nothing but simple sweats and a shirt. 

Kyungsoo smiled again, feeling warm at the sight. 

   "Are you okay?"

Taking a brave step, Kyungsoo stopped in front of him, taking a hold of the railing, just in case. 

   "Jongin, why don't you hate me?"

On this, Jongin's eyebrows rose up. "I could never hate you, Soo.."

   "But I played with your feelings, pushed you out and even kissed you when I wasn't in the right mind for that."

Jongin's eyebrows huffed out with him it seemed, because in the next moment he smiled, relaxing when Kyungsoo felt the need to close the distance all the way. 

   "I've been in love with you for over two years now, Soo.. There's nothing you could do to make me stop loving you.." Then, like being burned, Jongin looked him right in the eyes. "Other than hating yourself."

   "I don't think I ever hated myself.." Kyungsoo started out slowly, tasting each word on his tongue. "I just couldn't understand why was I... different.."

   "There are no two humans same on this planet, Soo.." Jongin snickered, hiding behind his fringe. "And why would you want to be anyone else when you're you.."

Kyungsoo smiled, shuffling on his feet to come closer. He just needed Jongin in his orbit. "Jongin, look at me.."

Like on demand, the younger raised his eyes. They were warm, soft at the edges, always so deep; Kyungsoo could get lost in forever. 

It was never about the world not accepting him for who he was, it has always been Kyungsoo not accepting himself. His friends were always at his side, his colleagues too, and even his parents that have always been proud of him. 

There was no point in doubting Jongin ever again. 

   "Jongin, I love you. I love you so much.. And I'm finally ready." When Jongin spluttered, he had to snicker.

   "I don't deserve you." Kyungsoo crossed the line again—for good this time too—and kissed him, pouring everything out for Jongin to hear. When their lips parted, Jongin could feel the heartbeat of the other under his fingertips. It was matching his.

   "Wait, does this mean...?"

Kyungsoo bit his lower lip, barely containing his happiness. There were a lot of things still coating his worried mind, making him rethink everything. But there he was, in his best friend's embrace, standing on top of the world, and feeling like everything was to be set in place. 

So he whispered slowly. "I'm all yours, baby."

When Jongin kissed him, long and strong, everything came to its place finally.

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: If you're in the similar situation, know that you're loved no matter what!
> 
> You're beautiful just the way you are, and nothing can change that! 
> 
>  
> 
> this was a small part for myself, 'cause i've been dealing with similar feelings..
> 
> i hope this doesn't offend anyone.. and like Yeol's said, love is love :)
> 
> And I love you, xox


End file.
